Trump Card: August, 2015

• Even though age is reducing my ordinary vision, with butts like J-Lo’s, Kim Kardashian’s, and Nicki Minaj’s how can I have anything but 20/20 hindsight.

• At my age, sex can be pretty boring.  Sometimes a guy like me has got to be a little adventurous – no matter the cost.  I had to admit I was kind of excited when the dominatrix I arranged to see told me she’d thrill me and wear her electronic strap-on.  Imagine my surprise when I saw that the device she was talking about was an Apple Watch to gauge my time. 
  I said, “Hey. Hey.  What’s up?”
  She said, “Not you, slave.”
  I asked her what sort of discipline training she’d be administering.  She said, “Punctuality.”  “Get over here, punk.  You’ve got five seconds,” she ordered. 
  Honestly, I thought I made it in time but she said I was late.  The whole thing was digitally recorded, but she denied my request to review the replay.  She said it slows down the game.  I was really in the mood for a day-night double header, but could barely afford a truncated game shortened by a pain delay where she was the home team and I was always the bottom of her ninth. I knew from others never to argue with a mistress.  It’s like arguing with an umpire. With a mistress, arguing about anything is risky, like yelling at the ump over balls and strikes.  Question a dominatrix’s judgment and she may stand over you and strike your balls.  Then again, you may have paid for that sort of thing. Not me.  Apparently I was deep into punctuality training.
  
  
  For the rest of the session, she tied me up in the tardy room where I was forbidden to chew gum or take out my cell phone.  I was forced to watch Fox News until just when I was about to vomit then she shut it off.
  I said, “Why’d you do that?  I was about to hurl?” 
  “Not just yet, Tardy Tom.  I’ll tell you when.”
  “I hope making me vomit is not your idea of a happy ending, oh Mistress.”
  “Oh.  No.  That’s when you clean it all up.”
  The thing was painfully absurd.  Well, I guess that’s what sadism’s all about.
  After a time, her Apple Watch alarm went off. 
  “Is that it?  Are we done?” I asked.
  “For the session, yes.  But, stay there.  You were tardy and now you have to serve detention for an hour.  I’ll bill your card again.  Enjoy.”  Then she left.
  Well, I couldn’t complain too much.  This was L.A.  It was hot out and Mistress Chronos’ dungeon– as advertised – was a completely air-conditioned.

• I'm so sick of hung-over tech geeks trying to sober up by drinking coffee and referring to the process as their "Java update."

• Did Sir Isaac Newton have the first apple watch?

• Los Angeles County court records reveal Bruce and Caitlyn Jenner are suing each other for identity theft.

• Donald Trump uses recent government security breaches to promote his new nipple-print body scanner to secure all personal information and computer access called Ident-TITY.  (Trump warns the name is a registered trademark and anyone's use of the name would constitute Ident-TITY theft). 

• This diet I'm on is making me dream about food.  I dreamt I was at the beach and forced to avoid the dangerous peanut-butter-and-jellyfish.

• I remember being home alone at 13 or 14 laying in bed with a Playboy centerfold and discovering the selfie stick.

• No drinking for me before playing craps in Vegas.  The casino security threw me out after I rolled my car's fuzzy dice on their table.  I threw a 7, too.  (That's how I roll).

• MAN PROBLEMS:  When your best friend's date's wearing a pheromone perfume that forces you to French kiss her while he's in the mens' room.

• I hear Breaking Bad's Walter White was into speed dating.

• Some southern, backwoods, redneck police department's brilliant attempt at correcting the tendencies of their more violent and racist officers resulted in sending them all to a "Learn When to Let Someone Go"  seminar only to find out the event was meant to help the lovelorn cope with rejection.

• Kansas Congressman Republican Mike Pompeo succeeded in getting the so-called Monsanto D.A.R.K. Act passed in the House of Representatives.  The bill if made into law would prohibit individual states from making laws and regulations requiring the labeling of GMO food-like substances.  When hearing that NASA discovered a nearby planet that, "Is the closest thing we have to another place that somebody else might call home,"  and, "If we could send plants to 452 b [the planet's name] they could comfortably photosynthesize," Pompeo quickly added a rider to the bill that would extend Monsanto-backed prohibitions of GMO labeling to galaxies far, far away and Canada and Mexico and prevent farmers there from saving seed and buying anything but Monsanto Round-Up-Ready seeds.  (Donald Trump suggested Mexicans be sent there to harvest the Franken-food crop).

• California' new anti-litter/pro-recycling slogan:  "Your twerking ass ain't worth a dime, but you will always get a nickel for your can."

• Hey old ladies, need an old man?  The only thing that's down is my hearing.  Join me in a near deaf experience.

• I just completed the 101 things on my wife's "To Do" agenda.  Now I'm not only tired but listless.  

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Transform Nation June 2015

Transform Nation June 2015

• Bruce "Caitlyn" Jenner may be American, but prefers living a broad.

• FIFA:  Federation Internationale Fraud Agents.

• How appropriate.  Given the way one scores in soccer and the sport's corrupt nature World Cup spectators and fans can join in with FIFA leaders and just kickback.

• Republican Dennis Hastert former Speaker of the House and vocal anti-homosexual advocate in an act of ultimate hypocrisy led Congress' impeachment of President Clinton while at the same time bribing his gay lover with tens of thousands of dollars to keep their affair quiet.  His gay lover was reportedly disappointment with the arrangement saying, "What sort of gay relationship can two guys have when one of them must always keep his mouth shut.  He'd often entice me into performing the sex act he called 68."  Frustrated, Hastert's lover gave him the "86" to become a homosexual prostitute at airports where he took money to open his mouth. Hastert's wife at the time now says it finally makes sense.  She was referring to finding the 2-Live Crew record "Face Down Ass Up" in Hastert's underwear drawer next to his vibrating butt plug.

• God only knows how much better the movie Love and Mercy about the Beach Boy's genius leader could have been with just one actor playing Brian Wilson.  Wouldn't it be nice?

• The evil GMO chemical corporation Monsanto says glyphosate the poison that kills everything but Monsanto seed -- including people, I think -- is "safe." But, a Monsanto puppet spokesman as if straight out of a scene in Erin Brockovich at first enthusiastically affirms it would be safe for him to drink some on camera in a news interview right up until the newscaster seriously informs him that the journalist staffers in fact had some Roundup on hand for him to drink.  See this:

          http://www.naturalhealth365.com/glyphosate-toxicity-pesticide-carcinogen-1443.html 

• The most shocking news coming from Bruce Jenner was not that he's essentially a woman, but that he's irreversibly a Republican.  The only way the GOP would benefit and capitalize on including Jenner in their PR to promote the party, would be the same way they handle global warming:  "You can say 'climate' but never with the word 'change'."  They would refer to Jenner as a great American Olympian and only show images of the triumphant Jenner.  They're great at that -- living in the past.

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The House of Uberbach, or The Change of Time

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Hans Uberbach of Switzerland was a world-class clock maker, creating cuckoos containing the most intricate workings of his time.  His time was the 1700s (or, as he liked to say, “It’s a half-past one”) and few people know that the term “hands of the clock” which most of us believe refers to the three ever ticking extensions that count in strokes the seconds, minutes, and hours were actually called the arms of the clock.  But, Uberbach was so famous for his clocks he was simply known all through Europe as “Hans of the Clocks.”  However, through the mysterious and sometimes untraceable process of history, the fly-switching herd of humanity confused the name of Uberbach with those most prominent parts of the clock and, disarmingly, morphed the phrase into our now current “hands” of the clock. 

Also little known, is Uberbach’s influence in creating the first time zone differentiations in Europe, although he created only two zones separated by an hour – earlier in his town of Bern, later in his ex-wife’s Lucerne.  He bribed a local Magistrate in Lucerne to decree without prior notice the time there to be one hour later than in his Bern causing his wife to be late in attending the divorce proceedings thereby forfeiting her rights to any of Uberbach’s fortune.  Hans’ ability to payoff the Magistrate prompted those who knew of the corruption to say, “Time is money.”

Depressed and despondent the former Mrs. Uberbach was found nearly dead by Hans’ dummkopf subordinate who had always been attracted to her.  He had dreamed of seeing her naked, but he probably didn’t want to see her nude this way.  She lay in a pool of blood in her porcelain bathtub having sliced the Cephalic veins of both arms at the base of each hand.  Narrowly missing arteries, she survived.  The medical examiner at the Lucerne hospital where Ada Uberbach recuperated told Hans they put his ex-wife on a twenty-one day suicide alert or as they called it a “wrist watch.”  Hans couldn’t get that phrase – “wrist watch” – out of his head and dreamt during a fitful sleep of tiny clocks attached by a band to people’s wrists.  Six month’s later he patented the first Swiss wristwatch and doubled his fortune.

Perhaps even more significant, (and equally and ironically transformed by being misconstrued) is Uberbach’s more lasting legacy of the oft-used phrase, “Even a broken clock is right twice a day.”  That saying, legend says, has an interesting evolution.  The story goes, that working in his shop in Bern, Uberbach simply asked a subordinate, “What time is it?”  The worker went to a pile of clocks, looked at one and said, “It’s half-past one.”  Hans noticed that his worker had walked to the pile of inoperable clocks all in need of repair.  Uberbach said, “Look at one of the clocks on the walls in the back room, not the pile of clinkers, you dummkopf fly switcher”

Returning in seconds after looking at working clocks, the helper came back with the same answer, “It’s a half-past one.”  Thinking his young assistant was too much a dummkopf, Hans angrily stomped off to see for himself.  Indeed, each working clock read half-past one.  He then asked the worker exactly which inoperative clock the boy first looked at for the time.  The assistant brought that specific clock to Hans and sure enough it showed half-past one.

It was then that Hans Uberbach said,  “Even a working clock is wrong some of the time.”  It seems Hans’ dummkopf assistant, an ally of Hans’ ex-wife, set all the clocks to Lucerne time when Uberbach’s shop was in Bern.  Ironically, it was the dummkopf who in his own defense replied, “Well, yeah, but even a broken clock’s right twice a day.”  No stranger to malicious intent, Hans’ claimed ownership of the phrase, which helped elevate him to membership in the Royal Court where he was given a fully equipped workshop high in the Alps.  When asked why he was worthy of such reward by the royal family he donned the guise of religiosity saying, “God Alps those who Alp themselves” and professed to being a Bern again Christian. 

Hypocritically, Hans routinely partook of the pleasures of prostitutes sent to him by the King.  These ladies were sentenced to perform sexual favors (which they dubbed “Hans jobs” regardless of the act) indefinitely and had to remain within the confines of Uberbach’s chalet.  Given Uberbach’s notoriety for clock making and their court-ordered confinement, the ladies would say they were, “Doing time.”  Sometimes the clock master just liked to spoon in bed with the women and on those nights relished by any one of the ladies of the evening she’d tell the others, “Time was on my side.”

But, eventually, Uberbach’s rise fell and his fortune like an old clock wound down.  The king recalled Uberbach’s ladies of pleasure and in town they’d mock him calling him the “clock sucker of Bern,” a term particularly significant to them for all the times he made them “wind his clock,” so to speak.  It happened that his dummkopf assistant, tired of witnessing Hans’ corrupt rise gathered all the other clock-maker assistants in Bern and formed the first labor union in the region.  Unbeknownst to Uberbach, they planed to stop working, in unison, on a Wednesday exactly at the stroke of noon which, given the exact moment of communal punctuality when all the clock’s arms hit twelve, became known, understandably, as a “strike.”

Yet all was not over for the great clock man.  He lived by the motto, “Everything may be ending, but not yet.”  He found three of his former whores, three Negro girls who liked to sing.  Each had a wonderful voice, but together their sound was angelic.   He taught them intricate harmonies like the workings of his old masterpieces and with his clock making experience, kept them in tempo with a fine metronome he made.  He became their manager and they toured Europe most of the year as Switzerland’s most popular Rhythm and Blues band The Oval Teens.  Uberbach cashed in on their fame convincing a Swiss corporation to create and market a hot cocoa drink that bore the name of the famous girl group.

Today, a direct descendent of Hans, one Hazel Uber, continues the line of uncanny successes in the Uberbach lineage by asking an out-of-work friend for a lift in his car from Brooklyn to Staten Island.  She offered him some money, which, he said, he wouldn’t ordinarily consider taking but accepted in this case since he was out of work.  Hazel opened a website, resourced out of work people with cars, and started a citizen’s taxi service.

TJ Savino's Topical Tweets and Titillations FEB 2015

Topical Tweets and Titillations

February 2015

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•           Actress Alison Williams’ recent work on a production of NBS’s Peter Pan has resulted in her receiving offers to act in Disney remakes.  She’s interested in some, but expressing a conflict of interest due to her father news anchor Brian Williams’ scandal, says she has to turn down the roll of Pinocchio.

•          Governor Chris Christie slips off chair in radio station in his state quelling concerns that the small earthquakes felt in New Jersey were NOT from fracking.

•           GOP presidential hopefuls Rand Paul’s and Chris Christie’s comments suggesting childhood vaccines should be optional have gone almost as viral as the measles’ outbreak.

•          Marion “Soog” Knight charged with murder and hit run pleads not guilty.  With witnesses to the killing and hours of his violent behavior on video legal experts find it ironic that his label “Death Row Records” mirrors the probable outcome of finding his name on “death row records.”

•        Authorities investigating ties of four Minnesotans to evil Islamic group ISIS say their connection points to guilt as their uncovered links were NOT pork sausage.

•          With the cyber attack of 80 million customers to one of America’s largest health insurers, the lyrics to the nation’s Anthem will change to, “oh, say, can you my passwords, personal medical history, and social security number.”

•       Despite director Clint Eastwood’s obsession with guns and snipers, after viewing his famed conversation to an invisible President Obama in an empty chair, it’s psychologists and not vision experts who contend that it’s Eastwood’s mind’s eye taking a racist aim at blacks. 

•          I’m drinking Gentleman’s Jack nowadays.  I no longer get “shit-faced” but now “don the façade of excrement."

•          Just because she says she has enough room to break-dance on Chris Christie’s tummy doesn’t automatically make her a belly dancer.

•          The head of the Center for Disease Control has changed his vacation plans.  He’s decided NOT to go to Disneyland.

•          Republican Joni Ernst talks about her childhood of having to put bread bags on her feet, but as an adult we have her on audio thanking the Koch brothers for giving her bags of dough.

•          Edward Bernays the Father of “Public Relations” is responsible for making the entire Western World Buy curious.

•           February 13 is my wedding anniversary.  No matter what my wife says, February 14 is the day we must take down the Christmas tree!

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