- Even though age is reducing my ordinary vision, with butts like J-Lo’s, Kim Kardashian’s, and Nicki Minaj’s how can I have anything but 20/20 hindsight.
- At my age, sex can be pretty boring. Sometimes a guy like me has got to be a little adventurous – no matter the cost. I had to admit I was kind of excited when the dominatrix I arranged to see told me she’d thrill me and wear her electronic strap-on. Imagine my surprise when I saw that the device she was talking about was an Apple Watch to gauge my time.I said, “Hey. Hey. What’s up?”She said, “Not you, slave.”I asked her what sort of discipline training she’d be administering. She said, “Punctuality.” “Get over here, punk. You’ve got five seconds,” she ordered.Honestly, I thought I made it in time but she said I was late. The whole thing was digitally recorded, but she denied my request to review the replay. She said it slows down the game. I was really in the mood for a day-night double header, but could barely afford a truncated game shortened by a pain delay where she was the home team and I was always the bottom of her ninth. I knew from others never to argue with a mistress. It’s like arguing with an umpire. With a mistress, arguing about anything is risky, like yelling at the ump over balls and strikes. Question a dominatrix’s judgment and she may stand over you and strike your balls. Then again, you may have paid for that sort of thing. Not me. Apparently I was deep into punctuality training.For the rest of the session, she tied me up in the tardy room where I was forbidden to chew gum or take out my cell phone. I was forced to watch Fox News until just when I was about to vomit then she shut it off.I said, “Why’d you do that? I was about to hurl?”“Not just yet, Tardy Tom. I’ll tell you when.”“I hope making me vomit is not your idea of a happy ending, oh Mistress.”“Oh. No. That’s when you clean it all up.”The thing was painfully absurd. Well, I guess that’s what sadism’s all about.After a time, her Apple Watch alarm went off.“Is that it? Are we done?” I asked.“For the session, yes. But, stay there. You were tardy and now you have to serve detention for an hour. I’ll bill your card again. Enjoy.” Then she left.Well, I couldn’t complain too much. This was L.A. It was hot out and Mistress Chronos’ dungeon– as advertised – was a completely air-conditioned.
- I'm so sick of hung-over tech geeks trying to sober up by drinking coffee and referring to the process as their "Java update."
- Did Sir Isaac Newton have the first apple watch?
- Los Angeles County court records reveal Bruce and Caitlyn Jenner are suing each other for identity theft.
- Donald Trump uses recent government security breaches to promote his new nipple-print body scanner to secure all personal information and computer access called Ident-TITY. (Trump warns the name is a registered trademark and anyone's use of the name would constitute Ident-TITY theft).
- This diet I'm on is making me dream about food. I dreamt I was at the beach and forced to avoid the dangerous peanut-butter-and-jellyfish.
- I remember being home alone at 13 or 14 laying in bed with a Playboy centerfold and discovering the selfie stick.
- No drinking for me before playing craps in Vegas. The casino security threw me out after I rolled my car's fuzzy dice on their table. I threw a 7, too. (That's how I roll).
- MAN PROBLEMS: When your best friend's date's wearing a pheromone perfume that forces you to French kiss her while he's in the mens' room.
- I hear Breaking Bad's Walter White was into speed dating.
- Some southern, backwoods, redneck police department's brilliant attempt at correcting the tendencies of their more violent and racist officers resulted in sending them all to a "Learn When to Let Someone Go" seminar only to find out the event was meant to help the lovelorn cope with rejection.
- Kansas Congressman Republican Mike Pompeo succeeded in getting the so-called Monsanto D.A.R.K. Act passed in the House of Representatives. The bill if made into law would prohibit individual states from making laws and regulations requiring the labeling of GMO food-like substances. When hearing that NASA discovered a nearby planet that, "Is the closest thing we have to another place that somebody else might call home," and, "If we could send plants to 452 b [the planet's name] they could comfortably photosynthesize," Pompeo quickly added a rider to the bill that would extend Monsanto-backed prohibitions of GMO labeling to galaxies far, far away and Canada and Mexico and prevent farmers there from saving seed and buying anything but Monsanto Round-Up-Ready seeds. (Donald Trump suggested Mexicans be sent there to harvest the Franken-food crop).
- California' new anti-litter/pro-recycling slogan: "Your twerking ass ain't worth a dime, but you will always get a nickel for your can."
- Hey old ladies, need an old man? The only thing that's down is my hearing. Join me in a near deaf experience.
- I just completed the 101 things on my wife's "To Do" agenda. Now I'm not only tired but listless.
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