Topical Tweets and Titillations: 2016

Saturday, November 12, 2016

"Fall" of the Empire: Trump Drunk, Autumn 2016

CokeHeadLines: "Donald Trump's Former Transition Director, NJ's Chris Christie, Worried Upon Noticing State Prison Installed Accommodating Door for Him to Enter, but None To Leave, Uses Hand to Indicate 'Five Years' as Time It'll Take to Install Portal for Release According to 'Exist' Polls"

Brooklyn Days: I remember one weepy, emo mobster who'd cry after each time he whacked somebody. He was eventually arrested for "racket tearing."

Given my age, the "I've fallen-and-I-can't-get-up" fear is in full bloom Nevertheless, I'm going to face my fears and head out on my morning walk without my cellphone. Wish me luck.

Euphemism: "Advanced Age" When people use the euphemism "advanced age" to identify us over-65 people, I'm guessing they're referring to the stages of the increased number of afflictions I now suffer. I'm old, and there's nothing "advanced" about it.

I can't stand dining rooms' pride, and bedrooms' prejudices. But, mostly, I hate bathroom vanities.

One motivation that drives Major League Baseball players to make it to the big leagues is having ball-boy servants, unlike my stickball days retrieving a pink, rubber Spalding for a block-and-a-half in traffic.

NASA scientists have downgraded the newly discovered nearby planet Proxima B from "habitable" to "inhospitable" upon learning Donald Trump's plans to open a hotel and golf course there.

Trump must have received a copy of the Kama Sutra recently. Otherwise, how else could he find a new position everyday to fuck us with.

'Paid a small fortune for a magical mantra guaranteed to attract "all." The next day a carton of laundry detergent came in the mail. That mantra really did turn the Tide.

The Bernie Man

Trump denies climate change because he has a habit of refusing to believe the poles.

HEAR "Drunken Trump # 1":

https://soundcloud.com/tjsavino/drunken-trump-1

I never had a problem turning on lamps; it was the women I had trouble with.

This woman's Uranus is out of place.

Men Protest Trend of Women Going au Natural Calling Retro Practice a "Pubic Nuisance"

I could have gone to the gym election day to workout and run, but I decided, instead, to leisurely lift a frappuccino, stroll to the polls, and exercise my right to vote.

I think I see where's he's going with this.

Since Planes and Boats Lost in Bermuda Triangle, Authorities Now Checking Missing Persons for Men.

Sept 10: "Heinz Recalls Baby Food after Choking Incident" Tragedy of choking aside, giving a baby prunes is one surefire way for parents to forever recall that baby food.

Hearing sportscasters' and fans' mantra, "Nice scoop by Teixeira" everyday for years, the retired New York Yankees first baseman will work at Baskin Robbins.

Back when I was buff, I dated a girl who was obsessed with body builders. At restaurants she’d order cioppino every time. I asked her, “Do you like cioppino because of all the mussels? “ “No,” she said. “I like the crab, clams, and shrimp, mostly.” I said, “Now, your just being shellfish.”

Before his Black Fish movie fame, Tilikum turned down the lead role that Disney offered him in a story of a punk rock fish in a movie titled Finding Emo.

While T-Rump sniveled, snorted, and sniffed with the drug problem no one wants to address, Hillary's V.P. choice was an energizing, healthful dose of CO-KANE.

They say, "An elephant never forgets." I guess this guy remembers every time he's jerked off.

Decades later, I'm happier than ever that my mom won $27,000 from Donald Trump at his Atlantic City casino slots. She gave each of her three children $9,000. Fuck you, T-Rump. Some of that windfall went for donations to Hillary Clinton.

Many of Trump's supporters held firm in their belief that Donald would win the election. They believed he could pull a rabbit out of a hat, but most of us knew the belief was just based on his slight of hand.

In October, Trump's sudden drop in the polls prompted him to vow that within days he'd be as close behind Hillary as he was during the second debate.

CokeHeadLines: "Putin Tricks Trump Promising to Show Positive Numbers in Dictator's Gallup Poll, but Only Offers Candidate Chance to Closely Measure the Russian's 'Gallop Pole.'"

I think this is a kind of "Mickey Mouse" idea. Scientists trying to make Pluto psychedelic are only going to make it Goofy.

CokeHeadLines: "Regis Philbin Releases Video Tape of Failed 1998 Audition of Donald Trump Who Had Asked to Be a Contestant"

"Just let him ever think about grabbing me!"

Preparing for Trump's first visit to the White House, Obama staffers felt compelled to post this sign along the entrance road.

Even trophy women are rejecting Trump.

'Turns out Trump's Alt-Reich, brain-dead, racist, goose-step haters are the real deceased voters he himself had complained about in this election. Here they are screaming vows to make sure the rest of us living join them

Ever since I started taking ace inhibitors, I never win at blackjack.

Even when Trump looks women in the eye, this is all he sees.

ENJOY: "Little Trumpet Boy":

https://soundcloud.com/tjsavino/little-trumpet-boy

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Thursday, August 4, 2016

Summer Insanity of 2016

Now, that's a wall!

I'll never forget Father Ramon our parish priest who stopped by our house to sanctify our house pets when I was a kid. It was on Halloween. he was on his way to the parish-school dance and was dressed as a vampire. I guess you can say his coming that day was a blessing in disguise.

Savino Veritas news anchor Sal Monella went “bacterial” with report: “In an effort to get male drivers to focus and slow down, The Hollywood department of traffic will install street, surface obstructions called ‘speed rumps’ skillfully molded silicone derrieres modeled unmistakably after the famous rear ends of Kim Kardashian and Nicki Minaj. Kardashian’s husband Kanye objected at first, but is now in favor of allowing his wife’s buttocks installed as safety devices on roads as long as the street traffic is one-way heading West. Minaj issued a statement of approval as long as the streets where her buttocks would be installed are renamed Anaconda Avenue. Hollywood’s safety experts said, ‘Male drivers tend to use concrete speed bumps as take off launch pads to become air born, but with these, new, cushy, and eye-catching silicone speed rumps, we can say that if any accidents occur now, it won’t be the ass faults.’”

Farmers in Iowa and Indiana favor turning abandoned barns into strip clubs and watching the exotic women engage in straw-pole dancing.

My twenty-four-month-old great granddaughter is in her terrible twos. Most of the day she's a little terror, but around 3 PM she switches to kid napping.

Baseball and mating are very similar games. When a runner’s on second base and a skimpily clad woman freaks on the dance floor they’re both in scoring position. And when a team is so far ahead of its opponent and a guy thoroughly through with all his scoring for the night the pitcher and catcher in baseball and the male in the mating scenario will each let their opponent either steal second base with no attempt to stop the runner, or the guy will allow a woman to continue her flirtation moves with no reciprocation. Both are examples of defensive indifference.

Democrats may be donkeys (or even asses) sometimes, but they try to stay relevant. When it comes to an open path to progress, Republicans, on the other hand, do all that they can to simply stay elephant.

I'm not the best entrepreneur. I tried to transform my "brick & mortar" store into and online only business. 'Problem is, we sell brick & mortar.

Timid teenage boys afraid to approach girls don't need a new-age life coach. They need a third base coach.

The word "aftermath" has a terrible connotation. For me, though, the terror was definitely during math.

California is notorious for it's lack of recognizable seasons. But, with all the climate change warnings have been issued that we've become a "Fall Risk."

Haha. Very funny. The old high school bullies who promised they've reformed took me "golfing" only to give me a wedgie on the green.

With all the drones and technology, soon we really will have Robo Cops!

I was advised to get in on the ground floor of marijuana investing and to stop using it so that I could get off the ground and the floor.

More guns than people. Wow! 'Guess the human pistols are firing blanks. (Photo shows just guns lost last weekend by shoppers at one Stater Bros. market in Texas).

"In an emergency a crayon will burn for 30 minutes." When was the last time you had crayon handy in a blackout, huh? And if the emergency happens to be a house fire and you've got a stack of crayons inside you're fucked! If you and the crayons survive, you'd be lucky to be left with only "burnt sienna." I don't know. Maybe this can be a good tip, but you know, I don't think "aqua" will burn.

Listen to Savino Veritas' comedy spot for the mob's great new silent killer: Ebola Spaghetti:

https://soundcloud.com/tjsavino/ebola-spaghetti-spot

Our only chance of carbon cutting with Donald Trump is his hiring a jeweler to have Melania's diamond re-faceted. (Like Chris Christie, fat chance any jeweler would take the job given his record of never paying his debts).

Not knowing what to do with their billions, I heard Monsanto is thinking about getting into the film industry. Their first film’s entitled: Finding Chemo. It’s a de-animation feature.

Sorry if this offends you and forgive my being rather explicit, but this is all I have to say to the Senate and House Representatives for voting in favor of Monsanto's GMO "labeling" DARK Act, which will use these QR codes to "label" the presence of GMOs in corporate food-like substances (if they feel like it).

I don't want to stereotype strippers, especially girls who twerk for a living, but when it comes to their finances these girls are always in arrears.

Where the hell in Africa can anyone find a ramekin large enough to poach a rhino.

This guy is never going to be hard enough for her.

In tennis they call this kind of smash a "panty liner."

With absolute certainty and no explanation as to why, Microsoft Word always tags as error each and every sentence that isn't in the Active Voice. I'd call that Passive Aggressive, wouldn't you?

Here's Elvis in his early days in the Army. He's firing a Bazooka. (Was this the beginning of Bubble Gum music)?

'Can't help it. I think everything's a conspiracy. The trend now in Major League Baseball for every new pitcher to throw over 100 miles per hour is just their way of speeding up the game.

I can’t keep up with social media trends. What does this mean, these canine features? Are these girls trying to say they’re into doggy style? I hope so. If not, the whole world's turned upside-down and inside-out. 'Used to be a time when the last thing a girl wanted to be known as was a dog!