- Being an activist, at my age, it’s on my bucket list. I think I can get a lot of us Boomers to join my movement: Occupy Restroom. What we’d all have in common is the wish to experience a movement.
- In a terrible set of circumstances I discovered a leak in my boat and had to make a supreme decision: Row vs. Wade.
- ‘Got a shot to narrate an episode of TV’s Drunk History but, in celebration I got too sloshed before the shoot and so, well . . . I’m now history.
- At the supermarket, I find asparagus and celery stalk me.
- Academy Award winning director, James Cameron, originally planned his most famous movie starring Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet to be about an historic earthquake. He had titled it The Tectonic, but by no fault of his own the studios inspired a major story shift.
- Because of Big Banks' cupidity/we suffered in stupidity/and lost all liquidity/with the taste of acidity.
- Though the space of decades may distort our memory, if you reread his writings, that Einstein had one warped sense of humor.
- In Miller Beer chugging contests, why is it my African friends can guzzle and never have to go pee? Is it because Lite can never escape a black hole?
- Newly discovered Planet Nine's so far-out orbit is said to be its avoidance of the gas of Uranus.
- ‘Got an offer to write for a new Charles M. Schulz production. The thing is, I swore I’d never let myself work for Peanuts.
- How can municipalities increase fees for marriage licenses? Isn’t it illegal to hitchhike?
- My new tax accountant is a by-the-book gal, but she’s funny. She suggested my “creative” ideas and mysterious reasoning about what figures make up legit tax deductions be saved not in an XL file but The X Files. Was she really telling me to get the “L” outta here?
- I don’t get people who don’t believe in reincarnation. Tell me that Trump wasn't Mussolini and Ted Cruz not Senator Joseph McCarthy reborn.
- The World Health Organization fears that the W. African virus may hit America hard on a Sunday in early February creating a Super Ebola.
- An average load of human semen contains just 7 calories but over 200 kinds of protein and given men’s fame for coming too soon makes a great fast food.
- How can anyone blame a foreigner who doesn’t speak English for not being able to communicate when the need to learn that a “caretaker” and “caregiver” mean the same thing?
- Seriously. No joke. One day recently my Astrology for Leo read, “The nice positioning of Uranus will stimulate you today.”
- Progressive stand up comedians are joining forces and using all their best material performing nonstop sets in line at the teller’s windows trying to break up the big banks.
- Slowly but surely, the “spoon” has become a household name.
- Most dancing today like freakin’ and twerkin’ are just newer forms of tap dancing since arousal by each other’s grinding and gyrating lead each to think, “I’d tap that.”
- Just saw The Revenant, about a guy who survives on sashimi and tartar and a strong Non-GMO, gluten free immune system.
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