Spring Has Sprung 2016

• This Mediterranean Diet is so often touted by our health-care providers I asked my doctor if she’d write me a prescription for a trip to Greece and Italy.  

• Showing his inexperience and lack of foresight in the fight against terrorists, Donald Trump’s team is recruiting women dentists -- ostensibly with smaller hands – to form the core of security personnel at Guantanamo Bay.  When pushed for his reasoning, the trumpet man asked, “Who better than a dentist to perform cavity searches?”
  

• Former late-night talk show host David Letterman was spotted with a shaved head and extra-long, bushy grey beard jogging in his hometown this afternoon.  When asked for a reaction to the spotting of Letterman "with a shaved head" and "grey beard jogging," former guest of the talk show and current orangutan candidate Donald “Trumpet Man” Trump asked, “Why was Letterman holding someone’s head? and “Who ever heard of a beard jogging?”

• After I read the cautionary letter my doctor sent I realized she was advising me how to avoid tripping and getting hurt.  But, at first seeing the letter’s headline --“Fall Prevention” -- I wondered how she’d have the power and why she’d even want to stop autumn.

• When I first heard of the Tumblr app  -- T U M B L R --, I thought of Vanna White.  “These people need to buy a vowel, for cryin’ out loud.” 

• Just got a flyer from President Jimmy Carter with the headline: “Guinea Worm.”  I thought he was polite, but here he was addressing me with an Italian ethnic slur and insulting me for a lack of courage.

Gravity's Got You Down?  Drink Ripple.

• Is a Cosmic Micro-wave the Starship Enterprise kitchen device Spock uses to reheat his coffee?

• The presidential primary campaign of 2016 exhibits no shortage of irony.  The abundance of empty, parked dump trucks used by the Trump campaign for a rally in the Speaker of the House Paul Ryan’s Wisconsin hometown were readily available for the presidential candidate’s use thanks to nearly eight years of a GOP Congress killing repeated efforts to fund Obama’s U.S. infrastructure jobs where the trucks would have been needed.  Trump uses mothballed dump trucks at his rallies to block the progress of potential protestors in an effort to win the presidency where he will, on a national level, block potential progress.

• Members of Big Oil are always pleased to see Trump use the trucks because they’re fueled by gasoline.  Trump’s more violent supporters and the candidate’s beleaguered campaign manager Corey Lewandowski are pleased with the truck’s use, too, because the vehicles are powered by a simple “battery.”

• I thought President Jimmy Carter was a polite gentleman.  But, he sent me a flyer in the mail with heading “Guinea Worm.”  Using an anti-Italian ethnic slur that questions implying I lack courage is no way to start a letter.

Here Carson illustrates the length of his penis.




• At least five people treated for injury after a cruise ship crashes into a doc in Florida.  GOP candidate Donald Trump wondered why Cruz would have a ship in Florida since the next election was to be in Wisconsin, and speculated that the “doc” the Cruz ship hit might have been Ben Carson.

• The massive, awesome landslides occurring in Yosemite are NOT, according to geologists, the blame of any earthquakes there.  The scientists say it’s a natural occurrence; just a landmass getting it’s its rocks off.

• In science journals, I think the names and numbers of dying stars should be followed by an asterisk.  After all, they’re aster risks.

• My doctor said my hearing loss is more pronounced.  But, I couldn’t hear her.  She needs to speak more pronounced.

• Pamela David is an Argentinian “news anchor.”  Here’s some news.  Those are some anchors!

• I think the U.S. Postal Service is maligned too much.  I never had a problem with them.  Although, I did know this one dumb carrier once who stood right outside Yankee Stadium with a parcel addressed to “The House that Ruth Built” that he put in the dead-letter pile.  Ironically, at the time, Yogi Berra was catching a perfect game thanks to Bob Larson's very special delivery.

• You know that the subject of the I.R.S. has overtaken your whole life when you start mentally spending your anticipated refund only on things that are tax deductible.

• A high school boy told me, “My girlfriend won’t play Twister with me until we’re married.  For now, we can only play tongue Twisters.”

• “The filming and schedule demands of the porn industry on my penis are very taxing.  I may need to file for an extension.”  -- Brunto Soreus

• Donald Trump just told the press Megyn Kelly should quit Fox, and open an all-women's bike-rental shop called Menstrual Cycle.
  
  

• In this “Rat Race” we call Life, I’d rather be a gym rat than a lab rat.

• Ted Cruz IS the reincarnation of Senator Joseph McCarthy
  

• Peep shows back in the day form the roots of the entire Pay-Per-View industry.  (I guess Johnny Sardano was ahead of his time selling looks at his sister’s “goods” for a quarter in a vacant lot on 53^rd St in the early 60s in Brooklyn.  Ah, thanks for the mammaries, Johnny). 

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